I know I'm alone on this one, but do you know what it feels like to complain because life has become completely outside the expectations you've always had? :) I'm sure I'm the only one who understands this.
All joking aside, that's what the last few months have been like. Dealing with disappointment is something that I've never quite been able to do well. Some might say I'm a champion at it, but I know I could be better. I'm afraid of disappointment becoming the norm, where I might lose hope for the good things that come my way. I fear that mental pathways can become etched so deep they can no longer be repaired. In times like this I hold onto the idea that there is a loving Christ who would even heal someone born blind. Born blind. It doesn't get more miraculous than that.
I want to get personal for a moment, while I listen to Amr Diab in the background of a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Life hurts. If you haven't been hurt, you haven't walked outside of your house. But life is not about being defined by our pain, but sometimes things can seem overwhelming. You try your best, you try to do best by the ones you love, and the ones who love you, but sometimes we miss the mark: sometimes by a little, often times, we're not even in the ballpark anymore.
It's ridiculously hot lately, and while I'd normally be at the beach, today I'm enjoying basking in my air conditioned house with a cold glass of iced tea, and trying to think about healing. So what is bugging me?
- My past: Betrayal from some of the closest of loved ones I thought I have forgiven, but in reality I have not.
- My present: Navigating relationships and the bullshit of life, when I know there are greater things I want to be a part of.
- My future: I often ache for the gay community. I see the unhealthiness around me. Sometimes I want to join in, because I don't want to be alone, but I do not want to carve out a future for myself that I will look back and say I should have been stronger.
I have deleted Grindr, because I am tired of looking for a rose among weeds. I am looking at making peace with those I have been disappointed by. I'm sure I will find in the process that I have disappointed many of them equally, if not moreso.
I am looking forward for a time of peace, being able to be self-expressed, and radiating the kind of love that is world changing.
This is my goal. I will think about this today. Blessings to you all.